A Change of Heart


verb: make or become different: transform

We waited two years after we were married to buy a house. We lived in it seven years. During that time we had two children. And we amassed a collection of lovely furniture. Seriously, over that time we bought Ethan Allen’s entire collection of Farmhouse Pine. And then we moved.

The house we are in now has been our home for nearly twenty years. When we bought it it was peach color, had no landscaping and the entire style was Southwestern. SOUTHWESTERN! The first thing we did was paint the house white. Then we spent the next ten years landscaping with lush trees and gardens and the most decadent grass you’ve ever laid feet on. And we added a glorious pool. Plus, we had two more kids. So, we played in the yard everyday and then cheated on the house and did some traveling.

Fast forward ten years and now the children are leaving. The house has gone from large to small to large again. We thought it wise as the children leave one-by-one to redo a room…taking the house in a more mediterranean style. A good project for my husband and I to work on together and something to excitedly move us forward into the future, instead of being sad about the past. When the first kid left we redid the master bath and bedroom. Everyday I wake up and feel blessed to get ready for the day in such a magnificent bathroom and closet. I love it! But now the master suite does not match the rest of the house.

So, the second child left home and the first decided to get married. The third is now getting ready to fly the nest an…we are demolishing in a week. Here’s the kicker, although we’ve been talking about remodeling the kitchen for years. Planning for months. My husband figured out last night that this was seriously going to impact us. It is a big change. We are getting rid of all our pine furniture. (It has to be done, I’m telling you. We have loved it to death. Literally, we have worn the stain off the chairs and the varnish off the dinning table.) There’s no turning back. The children are not returning to eight year olds and the contractor is showing up in a week, for real.

As long as we are doing the kitchen and the family room we might as well change all the flooring in the entire house, right? (I got a great deal on it!)  So I could possibly be without a kitchen and a laundry room at the same time. If I can’t cook or do laundry I just might cease to exist. All these changes in theory were a good idea but in real life they are beyond terrifying. I want to live in a grown up house, I do. Stylish and beautiful…with cocktails. But the fact there will be no more art on the fridge, no more fingerprints on the slider to the pool, no more seasonal mantels is killing me slowly.

There is no time travel to what was. Only living in the present. Knowing that soon there will be a future with no sink, no oven, no refrigerator, for awhile. But then there will be a new life. With shiny new appliances and a stylish mediterranean home that is at peace. Welcoming my young adults home for holidays and birthdays and more marriages and maybe even births. My heart is changing and I kind of like that about myself.

“If there is no struggle, there is no progress.”

Frederick Douglass

“Everyone thinks of changing the world, but no one thinks of changing himself.”

Leo Tolstoy

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